I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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