It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
