My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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