Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
