Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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