Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
