she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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