I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
