I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
