I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
