dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
