The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
