First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
