The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
