Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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