now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
we're making bets on your personal life
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Bring me that man meat
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
