I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just found a bag of teeth...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize