my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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