hotel room ftw
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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