I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
