Plan B is the new Plan A
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
