Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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