my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
