just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
