I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
