I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
