omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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