he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
