awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
