You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
