oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
