I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
