Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
