Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize