uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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