I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
