I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
