He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
