You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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