Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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