nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How's work?
Spinning.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
