my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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