well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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