What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
