If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
