so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
