Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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