i would punch a child for taco bell
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
