he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
