Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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