It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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