he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
