Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
