The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize