I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
