i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
