Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
